Category: Dating and Relationships
hi, i was browsing the net the other day, and it let me to an interesting
question.
Submissiveness is many things, with many assets. But what is it to you?
I will admit i am not so much interested in hearing from persons who have
not lived the lifestyle, sorry folks. But this is getting kinda old. I am more
interested in hearing from persons who have been in the role, or relationship,
how did it work out?
were you the submissive 24.7? or just sometimes?
What is your feelings in the situation? does it make you frustrated, unsafe,
safe, fulfilled?
I my self is pretty dominant, not that you can see it if you don't know what to
look for but that aside, yes that is how i am with the right one.
And i am pretty extreme if i get my way, it takes many forms, and many
ways.
I have had subs who was pretty much into pain, or subs who was more
turned on by being mentally submitted. Both is interesting to me.
so whats your thoughts about it ?
We were talking about your topic, and I was confused on what you wanted.
I assumed you meant submissive in the sexual relationship, or sexual role playing.
Soft, or hardcore Bdsm.
I have not lived this lifestyle, and it is not interesting to me.
You said not exactly.
I admit, I don’t understand how being demeaned turns some people on, but it does.
In general, I like submissive women.
What I mean by that, is women that are gentle, soft in demeanor. I think this is nature, or a natural role.
Women that have balls, or act in that manner are not attractive to me.
A submissive woman doesn’t mean she is not smart/strong. She has a place in the relationship, and her power comes from being the provider of love, kindness.
Her opinions, thoughts, wishes are obeyed, or considered, because she delivers wisdom without force.
A few years ago, I read an interview with a lady minister in a Muslim country.
This lady had the power to have the men that had to come to her beheaded, and her seat in the government was powerful.
She said she never worked long hours unless she had to. She always treated them men as men, and never made them feel less.
She dressed in the traditional women’s garments, and said when she went home, her husband was the head of her house and she wanted to just cook, raise her babies, and be a woman.
She felt she didn’t need a man’s demeanor, or act in an aggressive manner.
She had the power.
So she was extremely female, submissive to her husband, but was a minister.
I believe this is a women’s true power.
But again, even in our private conversation, you keep coming back to the sexual, or submissive role in that context.
Sure, I’m speaking a sexes role, but not sexual.
So that is my thoughts on this.
Reel, see now that could be a whole other form of submissiveness, had not
thought of that one so you in fact got my even open eyes more open. And
that can never be a bad thing :)
I think what she means here is a combination of submissive in the bedroom, but also in the relationship in general. Both do exist. Some people only exercise the dom/sub dynamic in the sexual aspect, but not in the rest of the relationship. Some exercise it as a 24/7 lifestyle. And there are different levels even in that. A dom/sub dynamic doesn't have to involve S&M at all. Because of the acronym BDSM, they're often assumed to be synonomous, but that's not the case. I actually have quite a few friends who are in the lifestyle, and they've had to seriously educate me over the last few years. Some are into the full dom/sub and S&M thing, some only have the dom/sub dynamic with their partner or partners, but there's no S&M in the relationship whatsoever. It's simply a power exchange, with no pain. The other common misconception I used to have that I've been taught more about is that many people assume the dom is just there to order the sub around, and they have no say. Some even assume that the sub has no consent, and is just a pawn to be used. What my friends have shown me is that the sub actually has a ton of say. If it's done right, they had better have consent, and the right to refuse if need be. If done right, the sub isn't in that role because they are being made to be, it's because they want to be, and they could change it if they wished. Also, I used to see the dominant as the cold unfeeling, even selfish partner in the relationship. My friends have taught me that isn't the case, and a caring dominant will actually use their position not just to get what they want, but to make the submissive happy, too. At least in the case of my friends who are subs, they say it makes them feel very safe, provides stability, and genuinely makes them happy.
I also had to learn that sometimes it's the strongest people who are submissives. One of my closest friends is one of the strongest women I know. She's intelligent, capable, and perfectly able to take care of herself. And yet, under all that, is her desire to surrender control in some areas of her life, perhaps because she had to carry it on her own for so many years. I used to think subs were either just plain weaklings, or not very intelligent, or that they were unable to take care of themselves and needed someone to do it for them. She and several others have taught me that's not true. At least, it certainly isn't in their cases.
Last of all, if a submissive feels unsafe in their relationship, I'd think that should be a glaring, huge, red-flag that something is wrong.
I should think that submissiveness without humiliation might be ideal. Is a submissive one who would cook and take care of the other?
If a submissive is one who supports the other's needs and fulfills the sort of nurturing type role, the wind beneath Her wings, if you will, then I personally have embraced that for years, nay decades, with or without what some call dom / sub. If that is submissive, or if it is not submissive, I personally would not live any other way by choice.
Alicia you're right, one can be fully together and be a supporter. Whether I'm a submissive or not I don't actually know. But it is the quiet inner strength of the stoic which allows some of us to hold down the fort.
I have read about the humiliation thing, but that I personally find terrifying either the notion of doing it or having that done to me. I suppose those who play at it have not seen it in real life. I have, and like any terrible experience, nature demands that I avoid it.
Gonna start by saying that no, I'm not into the BDSM lifestyle. But I do know a bit about dom/sub relationships even though I've never had a pure one.
I'm more dominant than submissive, but I'm not hardcore about it. Speaking from at least a bit of experience here, I can say that, for me at least, making a partner happy is huge, absolutely huge. Yes, I might be doing things my way sometimes; yes, I like it when I'm in control sometimes...but if it ever reached a point where she wasn't pleased, I'd stop, and I'd lose all interest. Control or domination is definitely nice, but it's not everything and it's not even foremost, not for me.
This is in the bedroom, of course; in a relationship overall I largely expect a woman to be equal. I say "largely" because there's gonna be stuff I'm better at, stuff she's better at...we'll try and meet in the middle in all other ways, mind you.
I really can't and shouldn't say anything further than this, however.
Suffice to say that for me, submission isn't a matter of being inferior or always amenable at every turn to whatever I want. Submissiveness is sorta what Wayne was getting at...a slightly gentler acquiescence sometimes, a willingness to be led. I'm not into humiliation or inflicting honest-to-god pain or anything like that.
One thing I do want to support and agree with though:
Submissives technically have all the power, because it only takes one person to say no. I'd argue that at least in the lifestyle sense, a submissive should only say no for a good reason (i.e., don't do it just to be a jerk). But a sub isn't put in that role against their will in a healthy relationship; they accept that role willingly, to whatever degree they're comfortable with, and it doesn't stop them expressing themselves or being treated with respect.
reading back i can already see that we all have different views, and that is
perfectly okay, i will start with the start.
" Last of all, if a submissive feels unsafe in their relationship, I'd think that
should be a glaring, huge, red-flag that something is wrong.
"
of course it goes with out saying at least for the most that if you are not
fulfilled in a relationship in general but especially if you are in a bdsm
relationship you should get out of it as fast as you possibly could if you did
not feel cared for, or safe. And i should add that that feeling can come from
many subtle things, but it still stands, if you are the least bit in doubt, get out.
Period. you only get to live once, but what is more important, if you are with
a dominant person he have you tied down, and you are totally in his power
and you are not feeling safe things can go south fairly quickly.
Another thing i wanna talk just a little bit about is ,dating sites for Bdsm
activities.
I thick the most of us have talked with some pretty cool dudes on Skype, and
well, at least if you are female and talks with guys from the zone it never
fails, the conversation always ends on sex, it may start differently, but you
can be sure it will almost always end up with sex, again, never do anything
you are not comfortable doing , not even over Skype.
Why not? the guy you are talking with may be totally different in real life, it
have been seen before. With scary and horrible consequences.
" I should think that submissiveness without humiliation might be ideal. Is a
submissive one who would cook and take care of the other? "
this might sound strange, but guess what? you have no set boxes for this, you
may call it something totally different than being a submissive. some may see
you as a sub, some may not, it is what you say it is , and no one should say
any different. it really is that easy.
"I suppose those who play at it have not seen it in real life. I have, and like
any terrible experience, nature demands that I avoid it."
Usually i don't talk much about it, but i will put it like this I've seen some
serious bad ass things in life.
Nature demands that i see the difference between something that is a game,
a role or an act, if you will.
. Something else is torture, humiliation where the person have no means of
escaping, or getting out of the terrible situation he , she is in.
Lets not mistake it from what it is, submission between 2 adults is a game, or
a role the person is in, willingly, i think that should take care of that. Although
i can certainly see a person who have gone through some horrible things in
life laying a huger distance too the Bdsm lifestyle, and, again that is perfectly
okay.
" One thing I do want to support and agree with though:
Submissives
technically have all the power, because it only takes one person to say no. I'd
argue that at least in the lifestyle sense, a submissive should only say no for
a good reason (i.e., don't do it just to be a jerk). But a sub isn't put in that
role against their will in a healthy relationship; they accept that role willingly,
to whatever degree they're comfortable with, and it doesn't stop them
expressing themselves or being treated with respect.
"
That was a good way of explaining it, , i could have used other words, when i
choose not to is it because it is elegantly put and well written.
Sure we have girls or males who is for what ever reason super submissive,
you could call it submissive by nature, some even goes so far as to call them
naturally submissives, which i think is wrong. Any person who have grown up
in healthy surroundings, have learned what they like and dislikes, and that is
what it is all about here.
As I'm not really the one with the power of agency saying "no" by default, I'm not a sub then.
There is much I don't know or understand about that lifestyle and have no real cause to apply its terms to myself or to Her.
In some proper dom/sub relationships, in a way, the sub is the one who is really in control. If you have a safe word that the sub can use in certain situations, that sub then, can control when things stop. Therefore, this puts the sub in true control to a degree.
I believe there are submissive and dominant relationships outside the bedroom. For
example there's a dominance issue in the work place. However, if you pick it apart without
the submissive the company or chain of command wouldn't run smoothly. So, again
honestly they have just as much power without realizing it as the boss. Of course as any
good BDSM there should be contracts with guidelines just like any job.
Heather, that's not really dominance/submission as such. That's just workplace hierarchy, which is basically unavoidable unless you want to get log-jammed because everyone is equal.
Things may be equal in Canada, but they're far from it here in the United States of
America pseudo wolf. Here we have the Federal government, and the military where you
do what you're instructed to do. Also, obviously our president doesn't see us as equals.
We're literally screwed here without a safe word. If you're so keen on proving us wrong
arbitrary wolf go check out a BDSM weekend retreat for us.
Heather, I'm afraid you've missed the point.
Let me clarify, though I'll say right from the start that I'm not sure if pseudo-wolf and arbitrary-wolf are supposed to be amusing, insulting, or witty.
1. I never said we were all equal. What I actually said was precisely the opposite. I said that inequality in the workplace (i.e. workplace hierarchy) is unavoidable unless you want to create a scenario where everyone's opinion is equal. In theory it sounds lovely to say that everyone has a say in everything. In practice, it often won't work, because if two people have exactly the opposite viewpoint, and nothing on heaven and earth will move them, then you're at an impass. With the current system of hierarchy, someone can come in and say, "We're doing this. Shut up and deal" basically.
That's what I meant by workplace hierarchy. Without it, it's chaos. Not once did I say that everyone's equal, not in Canada or anywhere else. I urge you to read more carefully.
2. As far as BDSM goes, there's something very, very important to remember. The vast, vast majority of people who are in this lifestyle are in it by choice, and are doing it for healthy enough reasons. They know what they're doing. It's all right for them to be dominant or submissive or whatnot because they're adults who have agency. You personally might think that being whipped is barbaric; some people like it. As such, I don't see what you're getting about regarding a BDSM retreat. I know enough about the culture and lifestyle to know it's not really for me, but also enough to speak at least a little about it. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here, and suggest that we're still talking about mostly equal human beings in that lifestyle. Why? Because as has been stated before, a submissive has more power than a dominant does, since a submissive can, if they wish, end whatever's going on. Most won't do this without a good reason, but that's their choice. Most good dominants aren't sleazy or manipulative or abusive by nature.
Gregg unlike you today I've had enough drama, and am not going to pick your response
apart. As for those in the BDSM life style may you find happiness.
You needn't pick my response apart, Heather. It stands on its own. You had a post which seemed sort of combattive by nature, so I explained how I believe you'd missed the point of a previous post I've made. If you choose not to explain yourself, that's your call, but I trust that I've made my point now. It's nothing personal, but wanting to explain myself is not inherently a desire for drama either. I could've used much, much sharper language to set the record straight if I'd wanted to be dramatic, caused a fight or whatnot, but that intention here was to get the facts straight, not to stomp on you. If you don't want to engage, that's not my problem.